The 2 Faces

How well do you  know yourself, and do you like the self that you know? Have you come to the conclusion that it is ok to be who you are. Do you try to decifer why you are the way you are?

I ask the above questions to set the preface for my own thoughts that I wish to share with you. I always thought that I truly knew myself, but I knew the me that others had created. The first part of my life I spent trying to meet the standards set by others. Parents, grandparents and teachers led me to believe that in order to be “accepted” by society I must be a certain way. Thinking for myself and coming to my own conclusions was never allowed, and heaven forbid I should ever ask a question. This part of my young life was where the anger began to fester like a volcano waiting to erupt.

In turn, when I reached my teen years and well into my early twenties, I was a bitter, spiteful and hateful person. However, I began to learn that I did have my own voice and I wanted others to hear it. Being thoughtful and thinking before I spoke was not an attribute I had at that point in my life. Oh and I left one part of the story. I was married and had a son shortly after high school. I married the same person I had dated all through school. My college education was put way on the back burner in order for my husband to obtain his degree. I believe that made me even more bitter as I had become the sole bread winner while his education grew. He was just as his father with the notions that a women should be seen, whistled at, exploited and exposed to bring pleasure to disgusting men. It was however a womens job to handle all household duties and raise the children and be a maid when the men came home. Can you see why I might have been just a little pissed off and ready to explode. Our marriage lasted for 7 years, we dated for 6 years prior, for a total of 13 years. That is 13 years that I cannot get returned to me. 13 years of my own voice being suppressed.

Now, lets fast forward past the horrid divorce and the fact that he still lives 5 minutes away from me now. It took me 3 years after that to stop the pity party and pick myself up and realize that I needed to bring out that strong, independant women that had been buried for so long.

I am 4 years away from being 40 and it took me up until now to realize that it is ok to have your own opinions. It is ok to be who you really are. I still have a temper, but now I know how to control it and where to place that anger. My ideals are the complete opposite of what they once were. I refuse to degrade myself or others with words of hate or acts of violence. I refuse to do to others what they sometimes do to me. I am better and stronger than that. My worries no longer consist of pleasing everyone arround me and if I am “acting” the way they feel I should.

The goals that I reach for every day are mine, and only mine.

Improving Ones Attitude

The original attention behind this blog was to create a place of positivity. But today I went back and read my previous posts and was a bit unhappy with my own attitude. I owe, not only my few readers an apology, but I should apologize to myself as well.  I was fuming with negativity and apparently rather disgruntled. The lesson learned here is I should save my posts and read them the next morning before actually publishing them.

I am a firm believer in positive thinking and finding the good in any given situation. However, I have come to realize that my family may not share in this same procedure. If you have ever read any articles or books on positivity you will know that limiting the time you spend around naysayers is a key component in improving your own attitude.  However, how do you go about improving the attitude of the naysayers that you cannot avoid being around. Take for instance, your spouse, children, parents, and the ever wonderful in-laws who are encompassed with complete negativity. I should not have included my children in that example. They are for the most part sharing in the positive thinking. It is only when they are subjected to being around the less than positive people that they develop a poor attitude.

My thoughts are this. Children learn by example (no matter what your parents may have told you) and they hear very little of what you try to tell them. Even as an adult I am the same way in being influenced by what my environment consists of.  It is my responsibility to reflect back on my family a good attitude. Maybe I am the one who needs the attitude adjustment and it will benefit others that share this life with me.

So, I promise, from this day forth, no more negative posts.

Worse than relatives

If the cameras of my “imaginary” reality show could have been at the office today it would have been one hell of a episode. Very little work related activities occurred after 11:00 am today. It is really starting to piss me off that no one, absolutely no one, respects my time, my job or anything else. I am trying to stay focused on the positive side of life, but I am currently getting on my own nerves.

I was in the office solo today and attempting to answer every phone call that came in. That was in between returning calls from yesterday and running what felt like a daycare center (kids are out of school). After finishing up a rather productive sales call I heard a knock at the door. Before I could get the door opened, my dad’s alcoholic buddy of 20 years is trying to just head on in. Blocking the doorway the best I could, and all the damn dogs flying in, he managed to only make it to the back porch before he started with the 20 questions on why I am not allowing my dad to drive anymore. Me, Me, I am not the one who canceled his driving license for medical reasons. My dad had a severe stroke about 5 years ago and even after physical therapy his motor skills, not to mention his mental, are not like they were. Keep in mind that he is 78 years old, had a stroke and has wrecked the lawn mower on numerous occasions. All of this and I wonder why the doctor’s felt the need to keep him off the highway if possible.

I stood in the doorway for at least an hour attempting to explain myself. The drunk friend then revealed that it was actually another neighbor who sent him to visit me. The other neighbor, who the drunk is kin to, felt that I was a horrible person and apparently needed the advisement of his drunk cousin.

Damn you all. Why am I answering to anyone who is not in the family about my dad’s medical condition. Why do the fucking neighbors in this jacked up rural community see that it is any of their business. I am not even close to an alcoholic, I drink maybe one glass of wine a year. I do not take drugs of any kind, including prescription drugs. I have 2 business’ and work my ass off. I have 3 children to take care of and let’s not forget the husband that I have to do everything for except breathe. My dad is not in a rest home and we pay his mortgage every month. He is very well taken care of. He is very fortunate to be alive…period.

I have had enough of it. I have had more than enough of it. If one more person tells me that I need to put myself in my dad’s shoes. Well, I have and I still do. Every damn day I am alive and breathing.

Enough said for now. I now have to catch up my paperwork that ceased being processed when the drunk come to the door.

Real Reality

I am a pure addict when it comes to reality shows. “Workout” or “Flipping Out” or even “Life in the Fab Lane” is just about the only thing that will make me take a break from work. Yes, I am a workaholic, which I will blog about later, and even get into why we become workaholics, but that is a whole other post. Bottom line, I like my Bravo Tv and the occasional VH1 reality show. I like seeing how others “supposedly” live. I am still in denial about any reality show being scripted. (Remember watching wrestling on Saturday mornings only to have your parents rant and rave about how fake it was.)

HBO used to have a good show about a family that ran a bail bonds business. It was pre “Dog The Bounty Hunter”, and was actually pretty good. What is the purpose of all this. Well, I believe it is time for a real reality show about small business. One without all the hype, unscripted and raw.

So, for the next few weeks I am going to blog about the happenings in my small business. My husband and myself have a swimming pool business and no one could script the stuff that happens around here.

I hope if you do stumble across this blog that you will bookmark it and check back regularly for my “Real Reality” blog.

What A Day!!

Today was just full of surprises, and not very good ones. I think they came my way to wake me up a bit.

A New Day

Today is a new day for me and my business. There is no need to stress over the things in the past. I cannot go back and change them, but I can change the outlook of the future. I have been past stressed out for the past 2 weeks. I normally handle stress very well and actually work better under pressure. Here lately though my panic attacks have returned and I feel like a nervous breakdown is around the corner.

But today I made a perfect decision. I decided that I will only focus on the future. I will only focus on the things that I can change.

another day lost to sadness and tears
another victory for all my fears
nothing to fear but fear itself
nothing to fear if you put your life on a shelf

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother’s Day!

Important Announcement

It is an important event to me at least..lol

I have submitted a new article for publication on Ezinearticles.com. This is huge for me as I have had writers block for quite some time. Dabbling in writing has been my thing for a while now, but sometimes I get stuck in a rut. Here lately the only time inspiration strikes is in the wee hours of the morning and I have no damn pen or paper in sight. And you can forget attempting to remember it all the next day!

As of today I have had 1 visitor on my blog. I am not discouraged though. I know that when I become more interesting traffic will surely pick up.

Manic Monday

A new day has actually started and I am just now able to sit down and post. Where has the day went!!

It has went to hell in a handbasket if you listen and watch the news and anything on TV. I am not against the media outlets. I am a avid watcher of “reality” shows and E news, but can regular news outlets please wait past breakfast before announcing the sickening stories of pervs, murders and the latest home invasion! Is it just me or does anyone else get fed up with the criminals getting spotlighted on prime time!

Most of the creeps today are dying to get some type of attention. The only thing they know to do is shameful, harmful or just plain sick actions to get people to notice them.  Did they receive NO attention growing up or did no one teach them the difference between good and bad attention. Somehow I picture them slowly developing into secretly deranged members of society while mom and dad worry about how their stocks are doing!

Priorities people!! Put yours in order. Money is great, but you can’t take it with you. And if you do have it stuffed in your coffin, rest assured that some ass hole will disturb your grave and rob you of it.